Warriors: Fading Hope

[maylin]

Sunsetclan

Leader- Ravenstar

Deputy- Snowspirit

Med.cat- Stormheart Apprentice- Dreampaw

Warriors-
Windstreak
Eagletalon
Moonfeather
Whisperleaf
Cloudfoot
Sunclaw
Springstep
Runningfoot
Swiftclaw


Apprentices-
Sparkpaw
Whitepaw
Silentpaw
Roughpaw

Queens & Kits-
Wolfsong
(kits: Songkit, Hopekit, Spiritkit)

Elders-
Twistedear


Twilightclan

Leader- Goldenstar

Deputy- Talonclaw

Med.cat- Silverleaf

Warriors-
Rainfur
Mintclaw
Sagefire
Brownstripe
pouncefoot
Tearclaw
Harepelt


Apprenices-
Flashpaw
Jadepaw
Stonepaw

Queens & Kits-
Clearwater
(Kits: Darkkit)

Elders-
Yarrowtail


Dawnclan

Leader- Littlestar

Deputy- Eveningstripe

Med.cat- Dappledleaf

Warriors-
Fernwing
Meadowstorm
Dragondance
Redthorn
Rockfoot
Ghostwing
Duststone
Bluefoot

Apprentices-
Wingpaw
Firepaw
Linxpaw

Queens & Kits-
None

Elders-
Jackletooth
Cactuscloud

Midnightclan

Leader- Palestar

Deputy- Darkstorm

Med.cat- Cherrysky

Warriors-
Rippedcloud
Whitedeath
Frozenscar
Mountainfrost
Foxtail
Jaggedthorn
Silverfoot

Apprentices-
Brightpaw
Oceanpaw
Dolphinpaw

Queens & Kits-
Sandstream
(kits: Fallenkit)

Elders-
Patchtail

[Kiki]

You should probably do a prologue to help set the plot up unless you don't have a plot yet.

[maylin]

Prologue

Dreampaw, Dappledleaf, silverleaf, Cheerysky and Stormheart walked in pitch black darkness heading toward the Moonshard. Dreampaw stayed close to her mentor, stormheart. Stormheart smile but Dreampaw couldn't see it. Once the five came to a clearing thy saw the Moonshard. It was planted into the soil so it wouldn't move, not even an inch. Dreampaw and the other medicine cats walked toward the Moonshard. As the moon rises higher into the sky the clearing became brighter. Higher still it became even brighter. Soon the light from the half moon filtered through the gap in the roof of the cave hitting the Moonshard. Soon the whole clearing became bathed in light. All the medicine cats layed down and touched the Moonshard with their nose. It felt icy and almost bitter cold but Dreampaw ignored it. soon she was fast asleep.

Dreampaw awoke to find herself at the gathering place. The underground gathering place to be exact. Just like the clearing with the Moonshard except their was a high cliff and the hollow was huge! Drampaw saw Twightstar and Sunsetstar. The first leaders of Sunsetclan and Twilightclan! The two leaders nodded. Twilightstar came up to Dreampaw and meowed.

The light will turn to dark
Hope will fade into Fear

Death will come
Blood will follow

And the clans
Will cease to exist. . .


Dreampaws eyes were wide as the two leaders began to fade. "wait! I don't understand!" She cried but they were gone. Dreampaw awok panting. Soon all the other medicine cats awoke. "Did anyone see anything, or hear anything?" Dappledleaf asked. "I couldn't make out anything except that i was on a moor and the wind was blowing hard." Stoprmheart said. "Same here." Silverleaf said. "me to." Dappledleaf added. The four medicine cats turned their heads toward Dreampaw. "I had a dream. And it was a prophecy."

[Kiki]

The way I do constructive critiscism is a bit robotic but it's still constructive; it's not meant to tear down in any way.

For basic, it's all right. There's room for improvement though.

A) You should increase the imagery a bit. Start with describing the cats. Though it's dark, when the Moonshard lights up, describe what they look like. Also describe Twilightstar and Sunsetstar

B) Amount of dialog is all right, but you need to start a new paragraph every time somebody new speaks.

C) Kinda goes with A, but... Describe the cats' emotions. You started to say that Dreampaw was nervous, but you really couldn't sink your teeth into it.

Dreampaw stayed close to her mentor, stormheart. Stormheart smile but Dreampaw couldn't see it.

Watch what you can do with that:

Dreampaw stayed close to her mentor, her tail entwined with his for comfort. Stormheart had always been able to comfort her, but this time it did little to help calm her frayed nerves. The fur on the back of her neck stood up a little from fright and she shivered, but it wasn't from the cold, damp of the cave. Stormheart purred softly to help calm his apprentice, but to no avail.

[maylin]

ok. it's just i'm not that good at fan fics XD

[Kiki]

It's okay. I just like giving constructive criticism when I'm able.

[maylin]

[this is from Dawnclan's point of view]

Chapter One

Eveningstripe, the deputy was out on patrol near the border between Dawnclan and Midnightclan. Eveningstripe had pale green eyes and dark gray fur. The two cats behind her were a Ginger taby tom with amber eyes, his name was Redthorn and a blue gray tom with frosty blue euyes, his name was Dragondance. the three cats paded through the forest coming ever closer to the border.Eveningstripe sniffed the air, Midnightclan sent. They were at the border. Redthorn is a new warrior to Dawnclan and also sniffed the air.
"I sent another border a few tail lenghts away." He meowd.
Dragondance padded up and sniffed.
"your right. Midnightclan have moved to the border into Dawnclan land!"
Eveningstripe hissed. Thoughs crow food eating cats of Midnightclan show no respect of the fact that they have already enough land. Redthorn turned his head toward a patch of undergrowth only a fox lenght away.
"heh heh. You Dawnclanners are weak. but not as weak as Sunsetclan. They took in a kittypet moons ago!" The cat that was talking stepped out from the undergrowth. It wa a big black tom with a scar runnign across his side and hind left leg.
Eveningstripe hissed in annoyence.
"Darkstorm! leave now!" Darkstorm was Midnightclans deputy and he was cruel.
"why should I?" Darkstorm said smirked as three cats stepped out from the undergrowth behind him.

dragondance growled.
"Mountainfrost, Whitedeath, Silverfoot."
Eveningstripe hissed again.
"leave! now! your on Dawnclan land! Redthorn go to camp and warn the leader."
Redthorn nodded and sped off toward camp. darkstorm shook his head meaning, no. He leaped at Dragondance but was to slow anc Dragondance dodged and rammed Darkstorm with his head into his side. Darkstorm yelped and bit Dragondances Scruff as hard as he could. Eveningstripe pounced on Silverfoot biting his leg and throwing him onto of Mountainfrost. Mountainfrost yelped in suprise and barely escaped, speeding toward camp. Redthorn came back with Littlestar. Littlestar hissed.
"get off our territory! You know very well your not allowed here!" Darkstorm nodded turning to leave with Silverfoot.
"Midnightclan will get revenge!" He meowed loudly before he ran toward camp with silverfoot close behind.
"dood riddense." Eveningstripe thought.
"lets go back to camp. Wingpaw is going to have his warrior ceremony tomorrow." Littlestar meowed and bounded towards camp. The three cats followed back to camp close behind.