the Hacker- BETTER STORY!

[sporian]

The Hacker
1
New Kid
Nick smiled and walked into the school. “I finally get to go to a public school.” Nick said. He smiled as he went to his locker. He was number 72 in section B. He put his bags in and went out to his first class, English. He walked around, amazed by the sheer size of the school. Wow. Is this what public schools are like? Cool. he thought. In his daze, he bumped into a girl. “Oh, I’m sorry!” He said.
“It’s okay.” The girl said. She smiled and stuck her hand out. “I’m going to English. I’m Crystal.”
"Nick.” Nick replied. He happily shook her hand. “I’m going to English too. I’m new.
The girl giggled, her brown hair bouncing. “I kinda thought that, looking around like in a daze.”
“Yeah…”
“Let me show you around.” Crystal grabbed him and ran to English.
“Wha- Gyahhh! “ Nick was dragged to the class. This girl is insane! He thought as he was dragged across the school. He got up and went to a desk. A tall lanky nerd with a keyboard with a strap on it hanging over his shoulder sat down next to him. Crystal sat right next to Nick.
“Who’s the nerd?” Nick asked quietly.
“Kyle Style, the meanest kid in the school.” Crystal whispered, averting her eyes from Kyle.
“You want me to think that guy is gonna hurt me? What’s he going to do, pimple me to death?” Heh, I'm good.
“He’s worse than a bully. He’s a hacker.”
“What? You mean like hacking files?” Really? This guy hacks? How is this going to hurt me.
Crystal nodded. “Yeah.”
“Oh, I get it. Messing with the new kid, huh? Trying to make me afraid of the nerds?” Gotcha!
“No this isn’t a jo-“
“Ah be quiet. That guy can’t hurt me!” Nick said that a little bit to loud, and everyone gasped. Kyle got up and faced Nick.
“You don’t think I can hurt you?” Kyle said, picking Nick up by the collar. “You. Me. Recess.”
“Bring it.” Help!

[sporian]

2
The fight
Recess!
Crystal grabbed Nick. “You DAMN idiot! You don’t know what you got yourself into!” She yelled. Nick laughed.
“This guy can’t hurt me? I was homeschooled by my mom, a sixth degree black belt!” Nick said. He had a grin, remembering his training. Nick's spiky blond hair seemed to perk up when he mentioned training. It was getting carried by the wind.
“This guy is a sixth degree hacker!” Crystal had a look of fear on her face. This guy is insane, going after Kyle like that! Crystal thought.
“I’ll KO this guy easy!” Right then, Kyle walked up. Crystal slowly backed up, then she started running.
"See ya!" Crystal said.
“You’re going down, punk.” He said, and started typing. A tree started moving and grabbed Nick’s feet.
“Holy crap!” Nick said. “How are you doing this?!” Crystal better explain this to me!
“I’m a hacker.” Kyle said. Nick got out a knife and cut the tree.
“Look nerd, You can’t beat me!” Kyle typed some more, and a rock golem appeared, with bianary code running around it. “That’s new.”
“I’m not a nerd.” The golem swung punches at Nick. “I’m a Hacker.”
“Whoa!” Nick dodged the punches and hit the golem. Turns out, the golem was not completely rock. It was mostly sand. “Ooh!” Nick started punching more. The golem broke apart. Woo! Nick for the win! Bu that still doesn't explain this even happening! Nick thought.
“Not my masterpiece!” Masterpiece? Dude, this guy's a loon! Kyle pressed F1. A platform came up and launched Nick. Bad idea! Nick flew right back down, hitting Kyle in the throat and breaking his keyboard. When it snapped, bianary code ran around it and disappeared.
“How about that!”
“Oh, I think I know what I think about that.” The principle said.
“Ah, crap......”

[sporian]

3
This school is screwed up
Nick sat in front of principle Lockjaw’s desk. He was trying to make an excuse. “The golem fell onto my fists. I accidentally kneed him in the throat.” Nick said. He shook his head. “I swear, this place couldn’t get any weirder .”
The principle burst in, his black hair balding. “Look, Nick. You’re aren’t in trouble.” He said, sitting down.
“Spoke too soon.” Nick said to himself.
“I just wanted to thank you. Kyle and his Hackers took over the school, and even the teachers were afraid of them. How about you take a half day today. And you’ll get 100 percent on the stuff you miss.”
“What will I tell my parents?” Sweet! Nck thought.
“Just say you had a half day.”
“So the first things I learn in school is to punch nerds and lie to my parents.”
“Yeah, pretty much. Now go.” Nick got up and left the office.
“This school is screwed up.” Nick said. He went to his locker. It was time to change classes, so the lockers were crowded. Nick pushed his way through (for that was the only way he could get through☺) and opened his locker. He got all his stuff and the vocab for English. Nick was about to leave when Crystal popped up in front of him. “Gyaahh!" Man! This girl is just perky today!
“Hi!” Crystal said. “I guess you didn’t get in trouble and you’re leaving early as a prize? Cool."
“Yeah.” Nick said. He thought about Kyle and the tree and the golem and the platform. I think this is insane! “How did he do that?” Nick asked, looking at Crystal. He wanted answers, and fast, He stared at her. "Well?"
“Do what?” Crystal put her books into her locker, her face calm. This hacker thing looked like a common thing around this town.
“Manipulate trees n’ stuff.” He leaned on his locker, putting on his backpack. This girl looks like this whole thing happens twice a day.
“Like I said, he’s a hacker. He hacks reality.” Crystal had a calm look on her face. She got out her math book and shut her locker.
“Oh, that’s just peachy.” Nick rolled his eyes. This is going to be a long year. I wonder if his hacker friends know yet. He put his hand on his face.
“Yeah.” Crystal thought, I hope he doesn't stand up to any more hackers Crystal hoped this guy had learned his lesson.
“I’m gonna go now.” Nick left school and walked home.

[Kiki]

Constructive criticism time!

The idea seems really intriguing. Instead of someone being a computer hacker, they hack reality.

But the way you're doing things are really cut-and-dry. The only things we see are some basic character interactions. I'd normally say "show, don't tell", but you're not even telling. You're just letting the dialog do everything. I know how hard it can be to describe things; it's my toughest battle, but I've gotten better. Describe Nick and Crystal. Not just their physical descriptions, but their feelings.

How does Nick feel about coming into a public school for the first time? How does he feel when Crystal grabs him and drags him to English class? What does he think about Kyle? Think about things like that when writing them.

And the fight scene. I know how hard it is to write believable and flowing ones. I'm just having trouble picturing this at all. A random golem appears to fight. What the heck is the "platform"?

And the characters themselves. They are very, very flat. They are not very believable at the moment. We know nothing about Nick other than he's a sixth degree black belt and he was homeschooled. Do some flashbacks. Make him think about what's happened.

Nick's reaction to the fact Kyle can manipulate reality just isn't realistic. Even if he's a guy that can take everything in stride or acts like it, he's probably going to be shocked unless it's a commonplace thing. Since not otherwise established, I'm assuming this is taking place in the modern day on Earth.

Your version:
“Yeah.” Nick said. “How did he do that?”
“Do what?”
“Manipulate trees n’ stuff.”
“Like I said, he’s a hacker. He hacks reality.”
“Oh, that’s just peachy.”

This is how I'd handle it. Okay, it's kind of half assed because NaNo's not exactly promoting good writing skills, but it'll show you how it can be done.

"How did he do that?" Nick looked at Crystal, his eyebrow raised. He'd just tried to fight a kid that made a golem appear. That definitely wasn't on the normal end of things.

"Do what?" Crystal looked at him and blinked. She clearly didn't know what exactly he meant.

"Manipulate the trees n' stuff." Nick leaned against his locker and folded his arms. Though he was truly freaked out by the fact he had seen that, he didn't want to seem like a wuss. Did everyone else in this school know what Kyle was capable of? Could they even do it themselves? Nick licked his lips, betraying the knot of nervousness in his gut.

"Like I said, he's a Hacker. He hacks reality." Crystal put a long strand of her black hair behind her ear. Her tone was fairly non-chalant. Clearly, it was common knowledge that Kyle could manipulate reality like that.

"Oh, that's just peachy." Nick rolled his eyes and flapped his hand in the air, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Great, just great. How many other people at the school were Hackers? Would he make enemies with any of the other ones if there were anymore? Were they all as bad as Kyle? Questions swirled around in Nick's head and he sighed, shaking his head.



Things are a great deal more effective when you show your characters' thoughts and feelings. It gives depth to your characters when you show us who they really are.


tl;dr version:
-Cut down the dialog or space it out a bit
-Add in imagery
-Deepen your characters
*To do so, add in reactions and thoughts.
*Add flashbacks (not lengthy ones; just maybe a sentence or two where the character overlooks things)

[sporian]

thank you, will edit

[sporian]

4
The meaning of weekends
Nick woke up Saturday morning, his hair not cooperating with him. He slowly got up, yawned, and sauntered to his bathroom. His room was covered with bands and video game posters, mostly puzzle games. When Nick got to the bathroom, he brushed his teeth. Nick then tried to make his hair go smooth, but it went rght back up to his spiky nature. "Ughh."Nick said. He got his school notebooks and put them in his backpack. He picked it up and went downstairs. The second he went downstairs, Nick's mom suprise attacked him from the celing. Nick blocked her puches easy. "You need a new hiding spot. I'm going to school."
"No you don't." Nick's mom said. "It's Saturday."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Thus, weekends were explained to Nick. "Really? Cool!"
"Yeah."
"Okay!" Nick ran back up and put his backpack back. He ran downstairs and went outside. He went to the drugstore. Cool! Weekends! Two WHOLE days! Nick thought, and he bumped into Crystal inside the drugstore.
"Oh! Hi!" Crystal said, looking up from the comic rack.
"Hey." Nick said. He smiled. Crystal was holding the newest comic of Spiderman.
"Oh, I'm jus getting this for my brother..." He can't figure out about my comic book obsession! Crystal thought. It'll be the end of my rep!
"Oh, you have a brother! Cool. I like this weekend concept. Two whole days? Sweet!"
"You never had a break when you were homeschooled?"
"Nope. Saturday is knife day. I barely get stabbed now."
"Wait. Your mom stabs you?" Crystal was worried.
"Only when I'm not fast enough!"
"Dude, that's parental abuse!" She could get sued! Crystal thought.
"No, it's training. At least she wasn't holding the knife when it hit me."
"Remind me to never meet your parents, okay?" Crystal thought Nick's mom was crazy.
"Gotcha." Suddenly, a nerd burst through the drugstore door, holding a keyboard. "Okay! I can't even avoid you guys on the weekend? This sucks!"

[sporian]

5
Take it outside!

"I'll end you!" The nerd said.
"Take it outside!" The drugstore's owner said.
"Yeah. Now leave, " Nick said. "or I will do to you what I did to Ky-" Nick was grabbed by the collar and was dragged outside.
"He's gone now." Crystal said. She sat and started reading her Spiderman. She was obviously obsessed with her comics, too much to help Nick.
"Hey! Watch it!" Nick said, getting up. "You could hurt someone, dragging them like that?"
"My point." The Nerd said. "I'm Darian, here to strike revenge for Kyle while he recovers."
"You can't be much worse than Kyle." Nick said. Darian typed even faster than Kyle. A parking toll came to life and slithered over to Nick. It restrained his feet and then planted itself into the ground.
"Really?"
"Okay. I admit, smart move." Nick took off his shoes and socks, freeing himself. Idiot.
"Grr." Darian typed some more, and the pavement turned into a golem.
"What is it with you guys and golems?" The golem tackled Nick. He was slammed to the ground. He winced, but smiled. He pushed off the golem and puched it. He held his fist in pain. "Ow!"
"It's apshalt, you idiot." The golem kicked Nick. He flew into the drugstore's wall.
"Eh..." Nick got up and ran into the golem. The rock monster flew into a sign, cracking. Nick threw it into the pole again, and it's head cracked off. The golem fell limp.
"Wow. You're strong." Darian backed up onto the wall.
"Yes I am." Nick grabbed Darian and punched him in the face. "Leve me alone, nerds." Nick dropped Darian and went inside. Crystal was still in the chair, looking at the Spiderman copy.
"Hey." She said.
"You missed the fight."
"So?"
"Ouy Vey..."

[sporian]

6
Meanwhile....
Max Facepuncher sat down, typing. "There he is." He said, looking a a live film tape of Nick beating up a Hacker. "Woah! He took out an animator like nobody's business!" Max laughed, his blue eyes staring at the film. "I gotta see this guy!" Max pushed his rollable chair to the library on the side of the wall. He pulled out a manga and started reading.
"Oh no you don't." A girl said, typing right next to Max's computer. "You know what dad said. Stay the hell away from Nick."
"Oh, don't be worried, Alex." Max brushed his scraggily green hairout of his eye.
"And dad is still mad that you dyed your hair." Alex was watching Crystal walk home with Nick.
Max smirked. "It was supposed to be blonde."
"Right." Alex rolled her eyes and pushed herself to another computer.
"Anyway, I'm going to the airplane." He got up. "You coming?"
"I guess. I want to see these guys too. But no fighting."
"Right." Max walked torwards the door. Alex got up, showing her red uniform under her trenchcoat. She followed.
"Is Nelly flying?"
"Hell yeah."

Sorry about the shortness. It's a "Meanwhile" chapter.

[sporian]

7
Meeting
Nick walked with Crystal. "So, I just got attacked by an 'animator'? What's that?" He was still kinda shocked that Crystal knew so much about the Hackers.
"They bring inanimate objects to life." Crystal replied. She held the Spiderman comic as she walked on.
"Wow." Nick was amazed..
"Yeah." Crystal saw 2 kids parachute to the ground. They disconnected to their chutes' and run towards them. It was Max and Alex.
"Who are those guys?" Suddenly, Max sped up and ran in front of Nick.
"Hello!" Max gave a right hook.
"Woah!" Nick said, ducking. Nick punched Max. Max took the punch.
"I'm Max Facepuncher!" Max punched Nick in the nose.
"Little advice." Nick kicked Max, making him fly into a pole. "Don't broadcast your fighting style in your name!"
Max smiled, pushing his hair out of his face. "I don't just punch faces." Nick and Max ran torwards each other. They both punched at the same time in the same place, making them punch each other in the fist. They both held their fists in pain.
"That hurt more than the apshalt!"
"Dude!" Max beamed. "That was the coolest fist pound ever!"
"You're weird."
"Excuse my brother." ALex said, stopping her talk with Crystal. "He's a bit.... over excitable."
"Uh huh!" Max said, nodding. "I loved how you can take out Hack jobs like it's nothing!"
"Oh." Nick smiled.
"But-" Max smiled. "- Those were only level 2 guys, or sixth degree."
"There's harder ones?"
"Oh yeah."
"Crap."

[sporian]

8
Explanation
"Wow." Nick said. They were in Nick's room, looking over a chart. It was a Hacker sheet with levels, types of Hackers, and high officials in their organization.
"Yep." Max said.
"This is where the guys here are in level- wise." Alex said. She circled around the top area with her hand."This is where most officials are." She did the same thing with the middle section. "And this is were the leaders are." She circled the end with her hand.
"Great. So these guys were just scouts?" Nick asked. He frowned. "When are the better guys coming?"
"I heard sources that one group was coming." Max said.
"Who are you guys anyway?" Crystal asked.
Alex and Max showed them badges. "We are part of an anti- hacker organization called the MIA, or Mega Intelligence Association." They said at the same time. Max smiled, but Alex stayed serious..
"Woah. Cool." Nick and Crystal commented at the same time. Max laughed.
"You like each other, don't you?" He asked.
"WHAT? NO!" Both of them said at the same time. Nick blushed 3 shades of red, Crystal 4.
"Deny it, but you know it." Nick said.
"Leave them, alone, Maxie." Crystal said, going onto Nick's computer. The light of the screen shone off her blonde hair.
"Yeah! We don't like each other!" Nick said.
"Right." Max said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Be quiet!" Crystal said.
"Yep." ALex said. "A group of about 5 Hackers, Level 6."
"Good." Max and Nick said at the same time. They glared at each other.
"Be nice!" Crystal said, laughing.
"Yeah." Alex said. "We're going to need teamwork to defeat these guys."
"Okay." Nick said.

[sporian]

9
Breaking the 4th wall
Nick, Crystal, Alex and Max ran to the field outside of town. There, in front of them, were 4 Hackers, one without a keyboard.
'Let's hope the readers like this one." Max said.
"Wait." Nick said. "Isn't that breaking the 4th wall?"
"Yeah." Alex said.
"So? The readers like this stuff." Max said.
"Okay. Wait, why does that guy not have a keyboard?"
"Why need a keyboard when you can hack like this?" The keyboardless nerd said, unsheathing a butcher's knife.
"I am so not forgiving myself for letting you use that joke..." Max mumbled.
"Mark!" The first nerd said. He had red hair and about 2 million freckles.
"Nermal!" The second one said. He had a tucked in suit and a mask covering his face.
"Alexa!" The third one said. She had thick glasses and brown hair.
"Lance!" The knife nerd said. He had a plaid shirt and blonde hair.
"AND WE'RE THE MAIN GROUP!" They all said at the same time.
"BRING IT!" The group of heroes said.
Mark attacked Crystal first. He actually punched this time, but his arm was covered in ice. Crystal blocked, and the ice shattered. Mark typed something, and a tree root came up and grabbed Crystal. Crystal broke away and kicked Mark. He flew into a tree.
"Woah." Nick said.
Crystal laughed and poofed her hair, flirting with him. "You like?"
"Yeah, HELP!??" Max yelled, restained by Nermal's demons.
"I'll get em'." ALex said, and she hit the demons away. She broke Nermal's keyboard and knocked him out. Alexa typed, and a skeleton came up from under the ground.
"Easy!" Max said, and punched the skeleton's head. It popped off and hit Alexa in the head. She was knocked out.
"I got the last one!" Nick said, holding Lance by the collar. He punched Lance in the nose. He dropped him and walked over to his friends.
"Woo!" Max said.
"Yeah." Alex said. Sh pushed Crystal near Nick.
"Uh, you want to get some pizzia?" Crystal asked.
"Uh, okay." Nock answered, smiling. YES YES YES YES YES! He thought. A helicopter came in and landed next to them. A tall man came out.
"Crap! It's dad!" Both Crystal and Max said at the same time.
"Nick!" The man said, shaking Nick's hand.
"Uh, hi." Nick said.
"I'm leader of the MIA." The man said. "I was thinking you would be good for our project."
"What?"
"We're doing a counter- attack thing. Teaching kids to Hack on the good side. You in?"
"I'm in. As long as my friends can do it to." He winked at his friends.
"And you're girlfriend? Okay."
"WOO!" Max said. "We're gonna be Hackers!"
"Yeah." Nick said. "Now let's end this story so Zappy can write the sequel."
"Oh, now YOU'RE breaking the 4th wall?"

END