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Post by iris on Oct 21, 2009 20:32:00 GMT -5
Part 1- Another World
A small cream brown fox like creature padded along the empty street. A creature that looked like a little girl with a white dress and a half green bowl over her head with a red oval sticking out the the forhead and the back of her head, walked beside her. No cars were running along the black pavement, and the street lights were on, lighting up the twos path.
There was only a crescent moon hanging in the still night air. Stars were visible, yet, more would've been seen if there wasn't any pollution around. The fox creature stayed close to its companion, as if any moment the black would swallow her only friend in this strange new place.
"Mia, I'm scared." The fox looked over at Mia with the saddest, eyes wide and ears flat against ther head. The supposed little girl turned, sensing her friends fright and discomfort.
"I know Kora. We just have to keep moving and hope someone nice will find us and take care of us." Mia answered, turning her head back around to stare ahead As the two ventured on, the world slowly become brighter and brighter, as if the sun was teasing them into thinking that night was almost over.
Mia and Kora hid in a space between two human houses, staring frightfully as the cars and people passed by, not paying any mind to the two. they were hidden in bushes anyway, so it would be hard to see them.
Both were starving, having not eaten in two days and only having a few sips of obviously tainted water. Whenever a 'dog' came by, reminding them a little but of poochyena and mightyena back in their own world, tried to attack them. Well, they would run, to put things bluntly.
People shouted at them, and some even cursed, as Kora and her friend traveled farther through the humans civilization. They began to think that no one was kind. And that they would somehow have to survive on their own. |
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Post by Kiki on Oct 21, 2009 20:35:31 GMT -5
Not bad. Just try the "show, don't tell" thing. You tell us she has a pitiful expression, but you can try to describe it. A little more emotion never hurts.
Why is it all underlined?
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Post by iris on Oct 21, 2009 20:46:55 GMT -5
Now that I think about it, I really don't know why its all underlined. I fixed it up, and took the underlining away. It seems odd to have it there XD, heh heh. I also did as you suggested and did the whole 'show and no tell' idea. You want me to write more?
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Post by Kiki on Oct 21, 2009 20:52:04 GMT -5
Underlining big blocks of text is just extremely annoying to the eye. [/remembers that from Computer Graphics freshman year]
Showing and not telling is one of the biggest things in the writing world. The worst example is Twilight. Most notorious example: us being told Bella is smart, but nothing showing she is. Don't get me into the rest.
As for writing more, I think it would be highly interesting, this story. I can give you a little CC here and there if you'd like, too. I'm not the best at it, but I can try. Never hurts to get imput from your fellow writers.
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Post by iris on Oct 22, 2009 7:02:57 GMT -5
As the cars that passed by became thicker, the two pokemon resided to the sidewalks, which wasn't much better. Kora bushy tail twitched as they finally found themselves outside the 'city' and that there were patches of woods. Finally. Kora and Mia got to safety. On the side of the road that they were on, there was one of those patches of woods.
"Mia, my paws are bleeding, how much further untill we rest?" Kora whined, her tone was like a little kid wanting a snack after he or she just had lunch fifteen minutes ago.
"We'll rest here." The ralts replied bluntly, getting straight to the point. The shiny eevee next to her lit up, a sigh escaped her jaws as she laid down and curled up. The ralts laid down next to her, though was awake for a little while longer than her traveling companion. I wonder, if there are any humans on this world that could help us. That will like us and want to take care of us. That was her last thought before drifting off to sleep.
Serenity, a twelve year old girl with brown hair, light tanish colored skin and eyes that changed from blue to green depending either on how far away you were or the lighting, was playing outside with a few of her friends. She was trying, keyword is trying, to climb a tree. One of her friends, Nicky, who was around her age, said somethig to her after her second try.
"If you can't get up here, we'll come down." No, it waasn't a threat or anything. It was just that her friends wanted to include her, even if she was the only one in the group who couldn't climb a tree. Serenity tried a third time, and succeeded to get her feet onto the tree, before landing back on the ground.
"Ow. Crap." She muttered to herself a few times, knowing that they wouldn't here that 'crap' part of it. Her hands, which had wrapped around two tree branches, hurt like crazy. It was like getting blisters on each hand. The twelve year old just guessed it was just her skin being extra sensitive. She might never know.
The ground got down the tree, and they proceeded to now show the others what they could do. For example, hand stands, summer salts, kart wheels, etc. |
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Post by Kiki on Oct 22, 2009 17:03:09 GMT -5
The last two paragraphs are a little murky. I can't tell exactly what's going on.
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